I am not a psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, communist, or dermatologist....  But I have spent a lot of time thinking about why people act the way they do.  Why do people in relationships cheat on their spouses, then insist they are sorry and want to keep 'trying'?  Why do people believe obviously ridiculous things (eg - the bible as a literal historical book), to the point of hysterical anger if questioned?  Why did that old lady push that poor cat into the garbage bin?

My observations of people throughout my life made me wonder if indeed I was from another planet, and if so, what the hell had I done on that planet to deserve to be sent here?

So where should I start?  I was born in a log cabin in the wilds of Montana....  I guess I shouldn't lie, because then I would be the first person in the history of the internet to do that...  FINE, instead of starting with my biography, why don't I just get to the juicy, humiliating, trainwreck.

We had been married for over 15 years, very very happily (do I have to say 'for the most part' or 'as far as I knew', or did you already say that in your head?).

But for about a year, things felt... Weird.  We didn't fight, things were just off.  My spouse was distant, spending more and more time focussing on work - a job she loved.  But it was more than that.  She began to act very protective of her phone, to the point you would have thought she had nuclear launch codes, or Waldo's whereabouts, or some other critically important info to protect on there.

I look back now and see how cliche and pathetic it all was, but they are called cliche's for a reason, right?

It became so obvious I did what was unthinkable to me (INCONCEIVABLE!) a year prior - I actually asked outright if there was someone else.  I got a resounding, 'are you retarded' look, and a dead in the eye 'No.   Don't be crazy.'

And I did, don't worry - I thought I was going crazy.  I seriously thought I was going crazy because the very observable facts I was seeing (super protective of phone, work trip after work trip, distance between us, her bizarre snarkiness) didn't jibe with what my heart was screaming at me.  In my heart, I KNEW she wouldn't do that.  She had said, during one of those 'hypothetical what-if' discussions, she would never cheat - she would leave me before doing something so low.  My wife just was not that type.  We have children!  We don't fight!  We have a good life!  But the signs, oh the signs, they were screaming at me too - my brain kept telling me "this does not add up!  there is no reason (no good reason) for her to act like this!  she is lying to you!"

I asked, in different ways, whether there was someone else, a couple more times, and always got an exasperated 'NO!'.  So I decided the direct route was out.  I concluded either on of two things was going on:

1- I had somehow turned into a delusional, jealous freak (which I considered, but couldn't understand why)

2 - The person I loved most in my life, whom I trusted absolutely, was lying to my face.

Option 2 also meant she was fucking another guy, but I couldn't even consider that little nugget at the time - I was solely focussed on determining if I was crazy, or destroyed.

SOOOOO....  I consciously decided that I would not bring up the subject again with her, unless I somehow found absolute conclusive proof.

And so went the next couple months...  Strange, suspicious things continued to happen, I tried to be 'there' for her, but was met with cool detachment, lives went on.

Up next....  I learn what 'D-Day' means to people who've been cheated on, and that 'seeing red' is not just an expression.

The 'Why'

I decided to start a blog to document my experiences and observations over the past few decades and into the future, combined with my thoughts and views.  The catalyst really has been the journey of the last few years in particular, as I 'enjoyed' an absolutely soul-crushing experience and marvelled at the contradictory nature of people.  How we hurt and betray the ones we love the very most, the ways people do things so obviously contrary to their own self-interest, etc.  It has been fascinating to watch closely how people speak versus how they act, how we seem to grow old but not up (most of us), and how pain leads to clarity (if it doesn't kill you first).

This will be the thoughts in my head, that I wanted to say out loud for some reason.

Why I feel the need to put this out to the world is a mystery to me - maybe the same reason we talk out loud to ourselves instead of just thinking things?

But for the 3 people who might see this, it's a fascinating story, filled with surprising twists, evil villains, valiant heroes, and pithy observational humour...  Think 'The Princess Bride", with the torture machine and everything (but no 6 fingered man, or Andre the Giant, sadly)